I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I want to walk on stilts...naked
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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