I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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