I can tuck mytits in my pants
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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