remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
