Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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