fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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