Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
