FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
