I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
