remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
