i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
