im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
