It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
