He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
