seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
