Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
