My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
