My first STD was from a foam party
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
