why do cheetos always look like penises
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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