My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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