Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
