Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
