That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
