dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
