i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
