...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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