He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
