Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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