He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
