I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
