I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
