i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
