I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
