anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
