I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
