Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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