Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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