if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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