i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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