i think my tv is drunk
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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