mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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