Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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