I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
