Will you blow on my dice?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
