I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
