When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
