Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
