My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
