i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
