She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
