It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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